Memes and the alt-right go together like peanut butter and jelly that's been spread into the shape of a swastika. Internet memes are, by and large, the currency in which these young nationalists trade, eschewing the stuffy, articulated treatises of Mein Kampf in favor of more virality-friendly catchphrases and image macros to be proliferated around image boards and subreddits. 

Additionally, the movement is in and of itself a semi-self-aware meme that seems to only exist within the safe, anonymous spaces of the internet. Just as memes tend to be cringey and ineffective when taken offline, one of the alt-right's most publicized IRL events, the "DeploraBall" was widely regarded as a colossal shit-show due to the physical and ideological infighting.

Shit-posting for keks is also trickier to dismiss when done out in the real world without the mask of anonymity. White supremacist and human punching bag Richard Spencer, the poster child of the alt-right, has claimed his "Heil Trump" chanting at a post-election rally was done in the spirit of "irony." This jives with Spencer's calls for "peaceful ethnic cleansing" at the 2013 American Renaissance conference but serves to highlight the notion that darker machinations often lay beneath the group's claims of simply wanting to troll SJWs.

We've put together a field guide of some phrases and memes white supremacists share with one another so that, if you happen across one in the wild, you'll be able tell whether your old college friend, Gary, is simply a fan of 11th-century history or secretly wishes to eradicate all non-whites.

Pepe the Frog

If Richard Spencer is the human mascot of this group, Pepe the Frog is its meme version. Much has already been said about the amphibian cartoon's ascension from fringe web-comic character to neo-Nazi mascot, including by the Clinton campaign. 

Despite the disingenuous incredulity offered by the alt-right (and garden variety Trump supporters) after the ADL added Pepe to its official list of hate symbols, there is no reason to believe that anyone using the character today is at all unaware of the Nazi sentiments attached to it and should therefore be regarded as complicit in spreading said sentiments with his or her usage of the cartoon. Plausible deniability divorced itself from Pepe usage a long time ago. The swastika was once an innocent religious symbol, too. People have a tendency to ruin nice things.

Cuck/Cuckservative

Another one that's been covered to death so we needn't spend too much time on it. Trump supporters have long called those they disagree with "cucks," because wanting everyone to have access to healthcare is apparently akin to letting a stranger fuck your wife.

The white-supremacy twist on this oldie but goodie is the additional fear mongering of the cuckoldry being carried out by a person of color. Louis CK became 4chan's public enemy #1 target for race-based cuck meming in 2014 by daring to have stand-up material that broached the subject of white privilege.

Be careful about accurately judging intent and seriousness if you hear someone use "cuck" these days. As "normies" gained familiarity with "cuck" as an alt-right insult, the term began its toothless third stage of life as lefties playfully and sarcastically insult one another with it à la the "thanks, Obama" meme.

Deus Vult

Screencap via YouTube user Starbot Dubs

Crusader iconography has long been tied to Islamophobia, so white supremacists didn't have to tweak much when they lifted this Latin battle cry from Pope Urban II's first crusade. Translating to "God wills it," deus vult reemerged, after nearly a millennium of hibernation, in a 2015 YouTube video of Christian Syrians bombing ISIS. Since then, alt-right message boards have glommed onto the words, using them as if they were a divine permission slip for wishing death on Muslims. Vandals even tagged the phrase on a mosque in Scotland in December. 

As with Pepe, the window is rapidly closing on claiming innocence when using the phrase.

Moon Man

Borrowing the crescent moon 80s McDonald's ad character, Mac Tonight, white supremacists co-opted this wholesome fast-food mascot (ironically based off of black music icon, Ray Charles) as a face for text-to-speech rap song "parodies" (that aren't worth linking to) that explicitly describe myriad gruesome scenes of murdering black people, while dredging up every epithet you can think of. It's like if Stephen Hawking's computer and Weird Al had a really racist child that had an internet connection but no creative talent.

This is just a meme meant to get a rise out of you, of course. There's no true animus there, right?

(((Triple Parentheses)))

Perhaps you've noticed a number of your favorite Twitter accounts surrounded by triplicate parentheses. This is the result of a concerted solidarity effort to take back and render ineffective an alt-right tactic of marking—starring if you will—Jewish journalists.

Conceived of on neo-Nazi podcast The Daily Shoah, these parenthetical "echoes" were written around the names of Jewish journalists and public figures when mentioning them on Twitter. The idea was to aid anti-semitic Twitter search efforts. Twitter has since updated their search function to drop the parentheticals, thereby rendering this hateful branding tactic pointless. You can still see it, as used in the video title below, as a sort of racist vestigial organ.

"Global Special Interests"

All you need to know is that when Donald Trump uses this phrase, a contingent of his base hears "Jews." So now you know to be a bit concerned if cousin Wendy starts peppering that into the family newsletter come Christmas. 

Operation Google

We've all encountered that one person who feels personally slighted by his (yes, his) inability to publicly use the n-word while black people have carte blanche. 4chan, that shitty friend writ large, pulled a code-word scheme straight from the KKK playbook after Google launched a program meant to filter out such obscenities in searches.

Cries of "CENSORSHIP!" rang out, and the crafty teenagers quickly formulated a code of replacing filtered racial slurs with tech company names (Jew = Skype) and Fight Club references (trans person = Durden).

The spurious logic behind this scheme was that if enough of them started calling black people "googles" online, the tech behemoth would eventually have to censor its own pages. That never happened, of course. Instead, a couple dumb Tweets like the one below cluttered up Twitter for a minute.

WE WUZ KINGS

The Black Egyptian Hypothesis is a widely disputed theory that the Egyptian pharaohs (and citizens they ruled) were more dark-skinned than how we picture them today. Despite this being a fringe theory, the alt-right has adopted it as another weapon in their arsenal for denigrating black folk.

Typical Kings/Kingz/Kangz memes revolve around low-effort posts wherein the poster mockingly asserts that, were it not for (implied nonexistent) white oppression, black people would be royalty.

Dindu (Nuffin)

Look for this phrase primarily in comment sections of stories about slain African Americans. "Dindu nuffin" (often abbreviated as "dindu") is a bastardization of "didn't do nothing," in reference to the claims of innocence that parents, friends, and community members make about the victims of unlawful police shootings.

Even in cases not involving police or criminal acts, black people, simply referred to as "dindus," are still the targets of alt-right memes. The presumption of guilt every time a black person is injured or accused of a crime is the small price these white supremacists are willing to pay for the opportunity to mock grieving mothers.

Free Helicopter Rides

"Death flights" were a common form of extra-judicial execution during the Dirty War in Argentina and following the 1973 Chilean coup wherein dissidents were flown over the ocean in an airplane or helicopter and pushed to their death. From 1976 onward, thousands of political opponents to Argentina's Admiral Luis María Mendía and Chile's Augusto Pinochet were murdered in this manner.

This wanton disregard for human life is hilarious to many in the alt-right. Starting in mid 2015, certain boards began suggesting progressive political opponents be given "helicopter rides."

Die-hard fans of this murder meme can even purchase whimsical "Pinochet's Helicopter Tour" T-shirts (which we won't link to) that will fit even a 3XL-sized Übermensch.

Follow Justin Caffier on Twitter. 

El presidente Trump lleva seis días en el poder firmando órdenes ejecutivas que revierten muchas de las políticas demócratas de la administración de Barack Obama. En estos días México dejó de ser un objetivo de propaganda en campaña para ser realmente afectado por los primeras designaciones del presidente estadunidense a favor de proteger su visión del bienestar y la seguridad de sus ciudadanos.  

"Una nación sin fronteras no es una nación", dijo hoy Trump ante miembros de la Agencia de Seguridad Nacional, de la que depende la Patrulla Fronteriza. "Hoy, Estados Unidos recupera sus fronteras".

Sean Spicer, vocero de la Casa Blanca, preparó a la audiencia con un anuncio un par de horas antes. Donald Trump firmó una nueva orden ejecutiva para comenzar la extensión del muro fronterizo entre México y Estados Unidos. Spicer reafirmó lo dicho por Trump, "de alguna forma u otra, México pagaría por éste". Sin determinar el origen de los fondos para iniciar la construcción del muro, dijo que "el presidente está trabajando con el congreso y otros tipos (folks) para encontrar oportunidades para que México pague por el muro".

El anuncio sucedió a espaldas del recientemente designado Secretario de Relaciones Exteriores, Luis Videgaray, quien se encontraba en la Casa Blanca para preparar una próxima visita de Enrique Peña Nieto, con quien Trump discutirá los nuevos términos del TLCAN.

"Generalmente no telegrafiamos a las personas que vienen a visitarnos cuáles órdenes ejecutivas vamos a firmar", dijo Spicer respondiendo si el gobierno mexicano tenía conocimiento de que la orden ejecutiva se firmaría hoy.

El gobierno mexicano no ha dicho nada.

Un día antes, el martes 24 de enero, el presidente Trump dejó claro que revertirá los tratados de libre comercio que él cree que son perjudiciales para los trabajos estadunidenses. Entre ellos, el Tratado de Libre Comercio de América del Norte, con más de 20 años en funcionamiento y del que en gran medida depende el comercio exterior mexicano. Sólo en 2015, Estados Unidos y Canadá representaron el 84 por ciento de las exportaciones mexicanas hacia el mundo, según el perfil de comercio exterior de México de la Unión Europea.

Las órdenes ejecutivas parecen preocupantes. Un presidente puede firmar cuantas quiera mientras se encuentren en su jurisdicción, y al no pasar por el congreso, éstas no encuentran ninguna oposición. Solo la Suprema Corte puede declararlas inconstitucionales.

Aunque ahora mismo el peso está ganando unos puntitos frente al dólar, queremos entender cuáles amenazas son viables. Hace un par de días platicamos con Arturo Balderas, un anterior cónsul mexicano en diversas posiciones diplomáticas y cuya especialidad es América del Norte.

VICE: ¿Podría describirse a Trump como una presidencia antimexicana?  
Arturo Balderas: En principio es antimexicana, en función de lo que ha prometido, pero también antilatinoamericana. Aunque en el contexto mexicano, primero se entendería en contra de latinoamericano, particularmente en contra de centroamericanos. Sí afectaría a otros países además de México.

Hay mucha alarma sobre la construcción del muro, como la política más tangible, ¿se podría construir un muro en la frontera?
La construcción del muro ya ha sido rechazada terminantemente. Quiero recordarte que en 2006, Bush como presidente estadunidense, aprobó la construcción del muro que ha sido interrumpida en diversas ocasiones por varios factores. Primero parece no resolver el paso de personas, sino el paso de drogas, que sería uno de los objetivos del muro. Pero además de eso, porque el costo al que ha llegado constantemente ha llevado a diversos problemas geográficos. Tiene una dificultad que no han podido resolver del todo.

Yo creo que Trump por querer montarse en esta ola del muro para satisfacer a sectores estadunidenses que han peleado porque los controles en la frontera sean mucho más estrictos. El agregado es que dice que México lo va a pagar. No ha especificado como. Ha dicho "ya veremos cómo lo paga" y ha aclarado que todavía no sabe cómo. Creo que va a ser muy difícil que suceda este asunto a menos de que lo haga a través de una medida arbitraria como sería imponer algún impuesto a las remesas que los mexicanos mandan de Estados Unidos a México. Evidentemente una medida como esta, a la larga o a mediano plazo se convertiría también en contra del libre flujo de capitales que tanto ha promovido el gobierno norteamericano.

El muro, no lo veo fácil. Lo que sí veo necesario decir es que los mexicanos, los grupos y asociaciones han protestado con mucha razón por esta situación.

En días anteriores vimos que un tuit de Trump hizo que Ford eliminara su planes para una planta, y aunque otras armadoras se han negado a jugar a las amenazas de Trump, ¿hay otros sectores vulnerables ante más amenazas arancelarias como las que había dicho Trump anteriormente?
Eso hay que verlo con más detenimiento. Evidentemente lo que sucede es que a Ford, y también la FIAT Chrysler decidieron no abrir más plantas de ciertos proyectos que tenían en México. Eso no quiere decir que vayan a cerrar las plantas que ya tienen abiertas. Éstas no las van a cerrar.

Rápidamente la industria se va a dar cuenta que no hay tal posibilidad de que efectivamente se jalen tantos empleos en Estados Unidos a cambio de imponer fuertes impuestos a las compañías automovilísticas que van a seguir encontrando los autos armados en México. Eso lo veo un poco más difícil. Tengo la impresión de que el chantaje de Trump no va a ir muy lejos. Entre otras cosas porque la Organización Mundial de Comercio tiene establecidos ciertas normas que impiden una actuación arbitraria de aranceles como las que propone Trump. Si lo hace así no va a ser muy complicada la situación para Estados unidos en un contexto de comercio global que cada vez está más integrado. Ahorita si ya hubo un efecto con la cuestión de que Trump sugirió que iba a tener un impuesto mayor a automóviles. Pero también General Motors dijo que de ninguna forma iba a detener sus operaciones en México. Toyota hizo lo mismo. Parece que Volkswagen va a hacer lo mismo. En fin, no va a ser tan fácil que sea tan fuerte el impacto de esta noticia. Habrá que ver que toda la industria vota por dejarse sumir en el chantaje de Trump. Yo no lo veo tan claro.

Es impredecible lo que va a pasar en este sentido.

Se ha hablado mucho de cómo esta relación afectará al TLCAN e incluso cancelarlo. ¿Habría alguna oportunidad para modificarlo en mejores términos, establecer un nuevo tratado, oportunidades de comercio para México sin este tratado?
Es otro tema, efectivamente complejo. De entrada te podría decir que desconozco cómo van a ir las negociaciones si es que se llevan a cabo.

Hay una fuerte corriente para evitar que se negocie el tratado. Estados Unidos quiere imponer y quiere negociar una forma en la que México no debe anticipar ninguna posibilidad de negociación. Yo tengo la impresión de que el tratado sí tiene algunas cosas. Hay cuestiones que pudiesen después de todos los años, sufrir algunas modificaciones. En todo caso la negociación sería anteponer una serie de conveniencias para México en el caso en que se pueda negociar, ya que México no ha tenido todas las ventajas que supondría vendrían planteados en estos tratados. Lo más importante sería la libre circulación de personas, de trabajadores, que valdría la pena, si se va a hablar de una renegociación, hablar de este tema, que para México si es muy importante. No te puedo decir qué va a pasar, es muy difícil. Conociendo el estado de ánimo de Trump puede que decida no hacerlo, puede que decida seguir con su promesa.

Qué políticas de relación entre México y Estados Unidos, pueden modificarse fácilmente, digamos a través de un decreto presidencial. ¿Tal vez particularmente visas?
De entrada lo que está en la mesa es la política migratoria. Con todo lo que se ha puesto en la mesa: el grupo migratorio bajó sustancialmente. El número de migrantes bajó de 500 o 600 mil a 100 o150 mil. Hay que corroborar las cifras precisas. Lo que sí es problemático y que ya prometió es la deportación de muchas de los mexicanos que se habían refugiado como los dreamers cuya estancia permitió Obama. Entre dreamers y los padres de los dreamers son como 5 millones de personas que en un momento dado habían logrado que los juicios de deportación se detuvieran con una orden ejecutiva de Obama. Trump ha prometido revisarlo, pero tal vez esto sería uno de los últimos afectados. Los primeros serían aquellos que dieron sus datos, en donde viven, en donde están. Una orden en ese caso suspendiendo la orden ejecutiva de Obama que Trump diera el vuelco en este sentido sí se verían afectados varios cientos de miles de jóvenes, y sus padres también.

Lo que él ha asegurado es que aproximadamente 300 mil mexicanos que están acusados de delitos graves, serán deportados inmediatamente porque hay juicios pendientes. Y dependiendo de su juicio serían o no deportados. Creo que también el proceso de deportación en general de las personas que han cometido delitos graves y las personas indocumentadas que han sido acogidas por las órdenes ejecutivas de Obama, va a ser una cuestión larga. Va a ser una cuestión larga, no va a ser fácil. Estados Unidos no tiene los tribunales suficientes para dar salida a estos juicios. Yo creo que ahí México tiene mucho qué decir apoyando a todos los mexicanos que viven allá, amenazados de deportación, apoyándolos con asesorías legales, y de muchas otras formas como ya lo han venido haciendo , no siempre con el éxito deseado, ni con los recursos necesarios.

Digamos, existen algunos otros métodos de protesta o resistencia para un ciudadano común, joven, urbano.
En este sentido la realidad es que hay muchas organizaciones de Derechos Humanos que han estado trabajando desde hace tiempo con con los migrantes, jóvenes o no, para ayudarlos a protegerse de todas estas medidas unilaterales que pretenden poner en función Trump. Yo creo que hay dos formas.

Los indocumentados deben acogerse a las posibilidades legales que les permitan permanecer allá. Para eso deben trabajar en coordinación muy cerrada con los organismos protectores de derechos humanos. La otra es que insistir los mexicanos de origen que ya tienen nacionalidad estadunidense, doble nacionalidad en este caso, deben manifestarse no solo en las calles, sino también a través de las urnas. Es muy importante que se genere un movimiento que genere una votación masiva de estadunidenses de origen mexicano que salgan a votar, y obliguen a los congresistas a generar iniciativas a favor de los migrantes que no han avanzado. Tengo noticias de que hay ya varias universidades que se han abocado a enfrentar estas medidas propuestas por Trump. Esperemos que surja algo que den resultados en los Estados Unidos.

Hay que recordar que Trump es un negociante toda su vida. Ha hecho buenos o malos negocios. Siempre antepone una negociación en la que busca sacar ventaja e inclusive chantajear al otro. Qué es lo que en su campaña ha planteado de entrada? Él sabía que había iniciativas que no eran fáciles pero que mucha gente cree que debe de tener, ser muy agresivo, muy en contra de los derechos humanos, etcétera. Cuando llega Trump a la presidencia pues no va a ser tan fácil porque tiene un congreso en donde sus compañeros están asustados por los excesos habituales de Trump. No va a ser tan fácil que siga todo esto. Yo creo que en un momento dado lo que está generando Trump es carta abierta a sectores xenófobos y racista para empezar a manifestarse como lo hicieron los primeros días después de la elección en contra de las minorías no solo latinas, las minorías raciales, las minorías sexuales. Esto puede ser que ya se apacigüe un poco. Sí abrió una etapa muy difícil para las minorías.

La otra es que ha generado un movimiento muy fuerte en Estados Unidos en contra de todas estas medidas.  Hay fracciones que están pugnando no por evitar la toma de protesta próxima, pero sí por cambiar en algunos años el baluarte del mismo Congreso y su posibilidad de reelección, eso en Estados Unidos.  

En México, los mexicanos tiene el objetivo de rechazar meramente esta agresión por parte de algunos sectores de los Estados Unidos.

There are just over a million sworn law enforcement officers in the United States, each existing and working somewhere on the ethical spectrum between Barney Miller and a T-800 Terminator with a melanin-based-targeting system. Most are presumably good people eking out a living, but there are also some who will cross a line that has us collectively reexamining our entire relationship with the police.

As a citizen who is ostensibly being both protected and served by these men and women, you likely have a couple of frank questions that have been building up over time that you may have been hesitant to ask. Breaking social mores with a forward question is embarrassing enough at a dinner party, so it's understandable that you might be hesitant to go there with an individual who could legally lock you up for a few days if you rub 'em the wrong way.

VICE created a safe, judgement free space with Commander Tom Higgins of the Ventura, CA Police Department, and he answered the questions that have been nagging at us the most.

This interview has been edited for clarity and length.

VICE: What are all the things on your belt? What about the trunk of your car? Is there a shotgun in there?
Commander Higgins: Well, a magazine that holds extra bullets. I have two of those. I have a portable radio, a baton, a set of handcuffs, a key holder, and a firearm. As far as what's in my trunk, I do have a rifle. My trunk is different from patrol officers' trunks. They have emergency first aid kits, flares, evidence containers, bags and brown bags for evidence, and additional personal equipment and bags. Things like that.

Have you ever used your status to get any freebies or perks, like at a 7-Eleven?
No, but some places do offer discounts. So, when that happens, you usually leave a tip that would equal what the amount is. You could go into a coffee shop that would give you a slight discount on your coffee. They might take off a dollar, and then you leave a dollar-plus for the tip.

Are you cool with the idea of mandatory body cams while on duty? Why is there controversy around the subject for police officers?
Yes, I am OK with them. I can't say exactly why others might not be. I think it comes down to a personal thing. They may have the thought like, a Big Brother thing. Years ago, we started putting trackers on the cars to find out where the cars are at. [And it was] like, What are these for, they want to know where we're going? So I think it comes down to that thought or feeling of Big Brother now watching everything we do. I think that's disputed now and not the case anymore. In general, if you ask officers now from our department anyways, they're glad that we have the cameras.

How do you feel about officers that report other officers to internal Affairs? Do you have a different opinion about this than your colleagues? Have you had to do it yourself?
I have no issue with that. I think they should, and they're not holding up to what they've been sworn to do if they fail to do that. I think maybe it's harder for some to do it. It just comes down to the individual, I guess. But everyone I know has had to do it at some point. And yeah, I've done it.

What sucks the most about your job?
It's not a very positive job. You know, people aren't calling us to ask if we're having a good day or to invite us to go out to lunch. So most of it is a negative experience that we deal with on a day-to-day basis. For some, over long periods of time, that becomes difficult to deal with. I'd say that's the main difficult thing. That or the fact that if you work in a certain area, you often deal with the same people. It's kind of a revolving door with some people.

How does race factor into how you interact with people, and how do you feel about the phrase "black lives matter?"
Um, I don't see race as being an issue for me. It doesn't really matter. It doesn't come into play at all. Black lives matter… uh… [chuckles.] Y'know, I can't answer to how they feel. So if that's how some people feel, then that's their right to do that. I just know for me, personally, I treat people fairly, and it's not the case with me.

Is there any truth to the claims or speculation about academy-intelligence tests weeding out the smartest applicants?
No. I can't answer to… I don't know. I can't answer to that. I've never heard of that. I worked in the academy as a drill instructor for a year, and that's the first I've ever heard of that.

Which crimes do you hate having to arrest or cite people for, and, conversely, what do you think is an underreported but dire criminal scourge on society today?
Officers have discretion. There's "letter of the law" and "spirit of the law," and, ideally, we want people to mostly follow the spirit of the law. We can't always be following the letter of the law, meaning "if this is a law, you have to follow it or you're gonna get arrested or cited for it." That's where the officer's discretion comes into play. That's the officer's decision to make. I'm not gonna cite everyone I pull over for running a stop sign or speeding. I don't have one particular "I hate to do this to ya" thing. What's a scourge? Well, I think, for California, the releasing of people early from prison hasn't helped the law enforcement profession.

What do movies and TV get wrong and right about police work?
Ease. Ease of the profession. There's a lot that goes on behind our work and success. Movies and TV make it look way too easy. I think some shows portray the effects of the job on police officers pretty well. I'm just gonna throw it out there, and I don't watch the show all the time, but, from what I've seen, Blue Bloods does a good job. Just kinda the effects on families and things like that. That's portrayed accurately. But that just means that these movies and shows have good production people and professional direction from law enforcement professionals on set.

Do you guys actually like donuts? If so, what kinds?
[Laughs] No. That's kind of a misguided thought that most officers are into donuts. I know, for me, I don't like donuts. I tend to eat healthy as more and more people in this profession have started to over the years. When I started 23 years ago, I wouldn't say that was the case. I think, in general, the last couple years, we've become much more health conscious in law enforcement.

All images: screen shots via E4 Skins season one advertisement

This post originally appeared on VICE UK.

Maybe it was because I'd just hit 15, or perhaps it was a direct result of the show, but when Skins came out in 2007, the house parties I'd been going to changed. Where they had previously involved drinking a bottle of Jacob's Creek stolen from your mom and hopefully getting fingered behind a sofa, they suddenly escalated to the point where people were doing coke and having actual full sex, very badly, surrounded by K-holing kids from schools other than my own.

We might not have been as hot as Tony Stonem or Cassie Ainsworth, and rural England wasn't as cool as Bristol—where, according to Skins, 17-year-olds can tick three ounces of "spliff" off legitimate drug traffickers—but everyone there was cut from the same cloth, or at least aspiring to be.

The E4 show, which premiered a decade ago today, made Britain's teenage parties look sexy, sweaty, and confident in a way TV had never really attempted before, let alone succeeded in doing. And radically, while asterisking the potential dangers and aftereffects of drugs, the show made using substances look like a lot of fun. While it wasn't without its cringy moments, it also wasn't Hollyoaks, where characters got "addicted" to weed and smashed up gravestones; it was as close as any show had come to representing how teenagers really use drugs.

Naturally, out of that first season came the phenomenon of "Skins parties"—house parties that aspired to be every bit as nasty as those on the show and in its ads: an American Apparel look-book made flesh, with just as much nudity, lots more vodka, and a fist full of pills.

For some, the term "Skins party" was pure irony; a knowing nod to the fact you'd bought some MDMA for a house party and that there would probably be some dickhead there waving glow sticks about. But for many, it became part of the common lexicon. The infamous party thrown at Rachael Bell's house, in which 200 people turned up and caused like $30,000 worth of damage, was advertised online as having a Skins theme. So, of course, the tabloids picked up on this and jumped on the idea of cause and effect: that British teenagers had suddenly ramped up their partying because they'd been directly inspired by the casual sex and drug use they saw on Skins.

Of course, this is slightly ridiculous: Teenagers have been having sex and doing drugs for decades. But you could argue that the show exposed a generation of underage small-towners to the kind of party culture they might not have encountered until university. Either way, the term is now immortalized on Urban Dictionary as "a huge party in someone's house where nearly everything is broke, lots of people are having sex and almost everyone is either drunk or drugged up," and that "self consciously aspires to be infamous, preferably on the evening news."

This was the era in which social media was really starting to come into its own, and it was via Myspace that all those kids heard about Rachel Bell's party, flocking to her home in a town near Sunderland from as far afield as London and Liverpool. Seven police vehicles, including a dog van, turned up to find "yobs" having sex in every room and curtains ripped down from windows. As Bell's mother, Elaine, put it dramatically to the Daily Mail: "The house has been raped. Every carpet's burned where they've stomped out cigarettes. They've urinated in wardrobes, pulled my clothes out and stubbed cigarettes on them. The beds have burns, food has been smeared everywhere, and messages scrawled all over the walls."

After being arrested and released on police bail while a criminal damage inquiry was underway, Bell's defense was that her Myspace account had been hacked and that someone else had posted the open invitation.

Another infamous "Skins party" started out as a quiet "get-together" advertised by four female students from Bournemouth, and ended up being attended by more than 300 guests, who vandalized the house and took part in "alfresco urination," according to the Telegraph. The party got so out-of-hand that one quick-thinking entrepreneur set up a stall selling alcohol in the middle of the road. It was broken up by 20 police officers and an air-support helicopter. Which is nothing, really, compared to the "Roman-style orgy" at a house in Sussex the week before, which ended with teens drugging the family dog.

It wasn't long before the trend made it overseas. By 2009, French students were going to "Skins parties" described as the "craziest thing in French nightlife, where girls are loose and drugs roam free." Except, by this point, they had become more legitimate club nights than parties that destroyed people's homes—a phrase promoters tacked onto posters and Facebook event pages to imply their parties would be decent. A "Dance Until You Drop" for the Myspace generation.

They were rowdy versions of new rave fancy dress nights in Oceana or Coalition, full of European frat boys and girls wearing neon glasses and hot pants. "Authorities are keeping tabs on them, sponsors are showing up, top DJs are part of the line-up and there is tighter security," one 19-year-old French student told a publication at the time. "I'd say there was too much security; at the last one I went to they were kicking out people who rolled joints."

Crucially, though, minors weren't allowed into these nights, defeating the beauty of what happened on TV, in a show that explored what teens too young to go to clubs or bars do to escape.

Looking back at Skins on the tenth anniversary of its first episode, it's hard to say what long-term effects it had on partying. Since 2007, going out in the UK has become both more expensive and just more difficult to do, thanks to the closure of half the country's nightclubs, so young people are undoubtedly staying in and more and more, and bringing the party to them. That said, to me, it's not since the mephedrone craze of 2009 and 2010 that UK house parties really felt like the debauched nights in that Skins featured in its season one ads.

What's certain, though, is that there's been no British teen drama that's caught the attention of the average suburban 15-year-old in the same way since. It wasn't the best written show, and it wasn't, by many people's standards, an exceptionally brilliant program altogether, but the only thing that's come close to achieving what it did in the past decade is The Inbetweeners and its bumbling troupe of middle-class virgins. Four guys who represented a very different type of teenage experience.

Skins, on the other hand, taught a very specific type of Bombay Bicycle Club–loving, NME-reading British teenager how to party, and for that, I doubt it will be forgotten anytime soon.

Follow Hannah Ewens on Twitter.

Rochelle Yang started marathon training two years ago, working her runs into her hectic schedule as a full-time pharmacy student at the University of Iowa. She trained year-round, putting up with snow, sleet, and regular sub-freezing temperatures. Sometimes, it was hard fitting in runs into her day. After a 12-hour day of classes, studying, and working a part-time job, she'd get home at 7 PM, have a quick snack, and then bang out somewhere between 7 and 13 miles, sometimes on less than 5 hours of sleep.

"I'll be honest," Yang wrote to me via email, "there were many days I hated running" (although she did add a smiley to the end of that sentence).

She dreamed of running in the Boston Marathon someday, but didn't think she'd hit the qualifying time in the near future. Her goal for the first marathon she ran, in June 2015, was simply to finish without stopping or walking. She finished in 3 hours 50 minutes, only 15 minutes shy of hitting the Boston qualifier time, commonly referred to as "BQ." For the next four months, she trained hard trying to shave those 15 minutes off her time.

At the IMT Des Moines Marathon in October 2015, Yang pushed herself, particularly in the last four miles, to hit BQ, which is 3 hours 35 minutes for her age group. "I remember thinking I would be okay with everything in my life going wrong for the next year if I could just beat the 3:35 pacer to the finish."

Yang crossed the finish line, exhausted and numb. Once she regained a modicum of wind, Yang called her parents, fighting to catch her breath and holding back tears at the same time, which, she remembers, made her sound like she was injured. Her parents asked if they needed to call an ambulance. Finally, she got the words out so they could understand.

Read more on VICE Sports

"I think the scariest thing in the world is other people."

In just one line,  Resident Evil 7: Biohazard producer Masachika Kawata has explained why his new game leaves behind so many of the monstrous mutations and giant bugs of previous entries in Capcom's survival horror series. Underneath the fantasy trappings that have been a franchise staple since that first zombie slowly turned and stared right through you, there's always been a human element to the antagonism—Umbrella wasn't founded by a foul fiend of the undead variety, after all. But here, more than ever, the real horror awaiting the player is decidedly, yet differently, human.

You'll have seen them in the trailers, on the posters, in so much of the promotional imagery: This game is all about the Bakers. The family that owns that house—or rather, the estate—that the player-controlled Ethan Winters finds himself searching from creepy, creaking attic to stinking, flooded basement, ostensibly in pursuit of his missing (presumed dead) wife, is the infected lifeblood of this first-person experience.

Read more on Waypoint

Andrew Wardle has been a virgin his entire life, but it's not because he hasn't had luck with the ladies. The 40-year-old UK resident has had a girlfriend for four years, but the two have never had sex because Wardle was born without a penis due to a rare medical condition.

Now, after sharing his story on the TLC documentary, The Man with No Penis, and undergoing more than 100 surgeries, Wardle is set to finally get laid thanks to his new "bionic penis." 

As a baby, Wardle received corrective surgery for his ectopic bladder, which formed outside of his body, but the operation prevented him from ever developing a penis. He thought he would have to endure life without one until Mohammad Abad, a British man who lost his penis in a childhood accident, had the experimental technology installed in 2012.

Like Abad's, Wardle's new penis was created using skin, muscle, and nerve grafts from his arms and fitted with cylinders that fill with fluid when pumped from a small sac installed in his ball sac, which is how he'll get an erection. However, doctors will have to go in and essentially turn the rig on, a process that will leave Wardle in the hospital for three days and give him an boner that will last two long weeks. 

On Wednesday, Wardle told the hosts of British television show This Morning that he'll spend those two weeks inside so as not to show the world the rocket that will be in his pocket. Speaking of which, he also told the hosts he did not get to select the size of his new member, which seems like a major oversight in the way bionic phalluses are constructed.

Once the robo-cock is switched on and his two-week erection dies down, Wardle will be able to have sex with his girlfriend, Fedra Fabian, for the first time. She revealed on the show that the two had been dating for nine months before she found out about his condition and she read about it in the newspaper. "I didn't know how to react to it," she said. 

For a man who is about to finally lose his virginity after four decades, you would think Wardle would be a peaceful guy, but he's already started a feud another dude who also has a pneumatic dick. Wardle had some harsh words for Abad, who lost his virginity to a famous sex worker and said recently that he wants to date a sex robot. 

"This is a taxpayer-funded operation—the money spent on it was not so he could sleep with a prostitute," Wardle said Friday. 

Yes, that's right, the National Health Service paid for both operations, making it entirely free. Americans live in a country where healthcare premiums cost an arm and a leg. Over in the UK, they're just handing out bionic dongs for free so that middle-aged men don't have to be virgins anymore. How can we get on that health plan?

Zdjęcia: Karolina Zajączkowska

Twoi rodzice mogli go oglądać w telewizji, nie mając pojęcia o tym, że po epizodycznym występie w Na Wspólnej przez siedem godzin nagrywa swoje seksualne ekscesy. Tak zarabia na życie Toxic Fucker, absolwent Warszawskiej Szkoły Filmowej, miłośnik kina, teatru, muzyki oraz, jak mówi, „rżnięcia dziewczyn przed kamerami". Toxic Fucker jest największą męską gwiazdą polskiego rynku porno.

Odkryłem go jako licealista, dzięki stronie podrywacze.pl. Uwagę moją i wielu polskich, nastoletnich fanów masturbacji przykuł udziałem w produkcjach, których piękno i urok bierze się z okrzyków w rodzaju „o tak Przemuś, jeb ciotkę!" (autentyk). Jak tam trafił? „Przeczesywałem internet w poszukiwaniu porno, aż na jednej polskiej stronie zobaczyłem kilka filmów, które były doświetlone i estetyczne" – mówi. „Widziałem, że jest to profesjonalne, więc wszedłem w zakładkę praca, wysłałem swoje zdjęcia oraz list motywacyjny i czekałem na odpowiedź".   

Długo nie musiał czekać – po czterech dniach zadzwonił producent i podał datę pierwszego nagrania. „Jadąc pierwszy raz na plan miałem ze sobą torbę z rzeczami na zmianę i mnóstwo znaków zapytania w głowie. Zamknięty w windzie, pokonując kolejne piętra, myślałem o tym, kto mi otworzy drzwi, jaka będzie atmosfera, czy nie jest to jakiś podejrzany interes? Ale przede wszystkim o tym, jak będzie wyglądać dziewczyna. Wysiadam z windy, pukam. Część zwątpień zniknęła w momencie, gdy sympatyczny facet, producent, otworzył mi drzwi i powitał z uśmiechem na twarzy. Gdy już zobaczyłem dziewczynę, od razu pomyślałem: dobra róbmy to". 

„Ciężko było się przyznać rodzicom. Raz mama do mnie zadzwoniła. Wcześniej mówiłem jej, że mam jakąś dodatkową pracę, ale akurat w ten weekend jej nie mam i mogę do niej przyjechać. Mama odpowiada mi, że może to i dobrze, że nie mam tej pracy. Pytam: dlaczego? »Ponieważ ja wcale nie jestem zadowolona z tego, że mój syn gra w pornosach«" – mówi. „W pierwszej chwili byłem w szoku. Jednak postanowiłem jej wytłumaczyć co robię i dlaczego. Był płacz, krzyk, lament. Wytłumaczyłem jednak, że nie robię nic złego, nikogo nie krzywdzę. Jakoś to przyjęła Dziewczyny muszą być pełnoletnie i przejść badania. A ja robię to, ponieważ lubię. Jednak nie mogę powiedzieć żeby rodzice się z tym pogodzili".

Umówiliśmy się w jego drugim – po planie filmowym – ulubionym miejscu w Warszawie: na siłowni. Kiedy obserwowałem, jak ćwiczy, zwróciłem uwagę na jego pokryte bliznami lewe ramię. W drodze szatni zapytałem go, czy miał wypadek. „To skaryfikacja. Zrobiłem ją w wieku 17 lat. Chciałem jakoś ozdobić swoje ciało, a nie miałem żadnego pomysłu na tatuaż. Ciąłem się nieodkażoną żyletką siedząc przy biurku. Rana goiła się długo, ręka ropiała i w pewnym momencie nie wyglądało to zbyt ładnie. Ale nie żałuję".

Toxic gra również w paradokumentach takich jak Ukryta Prawda. „Przeważnie na jednym i na drugim planie jestem jedynym aktorem po szkole" – śmieje się. „Ale nie jest to nic złego. Z zawodowcami po prostu szybciej się pracuje. Jednak w produkcjach gdzie więcej gram ciałem, najchętniej biorę udział w scenach, które wymagają dialogów. Reszta woli od razu przejść do rzeczy".

Nie tylko o porno. Polub fanpage VICE Polska i bądź na bieżąco

Oczywiście nie każdy facet nadaje się do grania w porno. „Raz producent zaprosił do nas na plan nowego aktora. Wszedł do apartamentu, gdzie mieliśmy nagrywać. Rozejrzał się, po czym powiedział, że musi iść po fajki. Po 30 minutach producent dostał sms-a: »Sorry, ale to nie dla mnie«".  

Według Toxica w Polsce nie da się wyżyć z kręcenia porno (w myślach skreślam jeden z wymarzonych zawodów z listy). „Facet dostaje 300-500 zł, kobieta 1000-1500 zł. To za dzień zdjęciowy, w trakcie którego nagrywamy cztery filmy". Wie co mówi: według rankingu xes.pl pierwsze 3 miejsca pod względem ilości ról w filmach porno zajmują w Polsce mężczyźni (na pierwszym miejscu znajduję się Toxic z setką nagranych filmów). Polska jest fenomenem jeśli chodzi o światowy rynek: na pornhub.com najwyżej sklasyfikowany mężczyzna, Mandingo, znajduje się pod tym względem na 36. miejscu. Jak mówi Toxic, w Polsce wśród aktorek występuje duża rotacja, bo „rynek tego wymaga".

Pytam go, czy chciałby, żeby jego dziewczyna też pracowała w branży, czy może wolałby partnerkę ze spokojną posadą, np. księgową. „Zdecydowanie wolałbym, żeby była aktywnie związana z porno, żeby grała. Traktuję to jak pracę, odcinam ją od życia prywatnego. Zanim zacząłem grać, nie miałem stałej partnerki, teraz moje partnerki są aktorkami. Czasami razem gramy. Myślę, że to uczciwy układ". 

Co jakiś czas  zauważam lekki uśmiech pod nosem mężczyzn, których mijamy. Czy ludzie często go rozpoznają? „Czasami. Ostatnio podbiegł do mnie facet na ulicy. Poklepał po plecach. Powiedział »dobra robota« i uciekł". 

Kiedy siadamy napić się piwa, pytam go o zawodowe marzenia. „Dostać szansę, by stworzyć ciekawą, przekonującą postać w dobrym kinowym filmie. Niezależnie od gatunku. Aktor zawsze powinien chcieć tworzyć coś nowego". Poważnie myśli o zostaniu miejskim alpinistą, pracy na dużych wysokościach związanej np. z myciem okien w wieżowcach lub wyklejaniem billboardów. „Zawsze lubiłem duże wysokości. Do tego można zarobić duże pieniądze i pracować kiedy się chce, dzięki temu będę mógł dalej realizować się aktorsko".

„A jeśli chodzi o porno to grać jak najdłużej. Najlepiej dla Brazzers (śmiech). Prędzej branża zrezygnuje ze mnie niż ja z branży".

Twenty-four years after it entered development, the US military's stealthy F-35 Joint Strike Fighter has deployed overseas for its first frontline missions.

On Jan. 18, 2017, 10 F-35Bs from Marine Fighter Attack Squadron 121 began landingat a Marine air base in Iwakuni, Japan after a nine-day, multi-leg journey from the squadron's previous base in Yuma, Arizona.

Once settled in, the newly-arrived squadron will be part of US Pacific Command's routine contingency planning for war with China or North Korea. If fighting breaks out in the region, the F-35s could go to war.

But that doesn't mean they'll  win. The Joint Strike Fighter suffers serious, ongoing problems that cast doubt on its combat prowess. Especially in the Pacific region.

Since initial development of the new plane began in 1993, the Lockheed Martin-made F-35 has weathered a three-year delay, cost overruns, technical malfunctions and harsh criticism from political leaders. Today a single F-35B—that's the Marines' vertically-launching "jump jet" version of the plane—set US taxpayers back as much as $250 million once you factor in development costs.

That's more than twice the price of a new Boeing F-15 Eagle or F/A-18E/F Super Hornet. It could cost $400 billion to buy all 2,400 F-35s the Pentagon wants.

On Dec. 22, Pres. Donald Trump tweeted about the Joint Strike Fighter's "tremendous cost and cost overruns" and threatened to dump the plane in favor of the Super Hornet.

Read more on Motherboard

Artikel ini pertama kali tayang di VICE News.

Donald Trump baru saja menepati salah satu janji kampanyenya dengan menandatangani perintah eksekutif presiden untuk memulai pembangunan "tembok besar" sepanjang perbatasan Amerika Serikat-Meksiko, berdasarkan laporan Reuters.

Seperti ditulis oleh situs berita Politico, keputusan presiden tersebut secara spesifik bertujuan untuk menambahan petugas patroli perbatasan AS sebanyak tiga kali lipat hingga mencapai 5.000 personel. Dia menyiapkan dana federal untuk membiayai pembangunan tembok dengan pajak rakyat AS, alih-alih dari Meksiko sebagaimana dijanjikan oleh Trump selama kampanye. Trump juga menandatangani keppres kedua, bertujuan menarik dana federal dari kota-kota suaka yang menerima imigran ilegal dan tidak melaporkannya.

Keppres tersebut yang ditujukan kepada Kementerian Keamanan Dalam Negeri (Homeland Security), hanyalah sebagian dari banyak keppres yang akan ditandatangani seharian kemarin. Trump sebelumnya mengumumkan via Twitter bahwa hari itu adalah "hari besar" bagi keamanan nasional, ditulis menggebu-gebu sehingga banyak typo.

The New York Times melaporkan dua hari lalu bahwa Trump menandatangani perintah eksekutif yang akan memenuhi janji kampanye yang lain—mengambil tindakan keras pada imigran Muslim. Menurut Washington Post, Trump mungkin menandatangani perintah yang akan otomatis menolak pengajuan visa orang-orang yang mencoba masuk ke AS dari Irak, Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Suriah, dan Yaman.

I remember the first time I saw the trailer for  Skins. I was 17-years-old with a mouth full of braces, and awkward limbs that never knew where to place themselves. During my evening routine of watching another compelling episode of  Hollyoaks, the TV suddenly launched into a slow-motion, strobe-lit fantasy—flashes of hot bodies in neon lingerie dry humped their way across the screen as spaced-out, pill-glazed eyes urged me to join them in what looked like the house party to end all house parties, all set to the delirious beat of Gossip's "Standing in the Way of Control".

I'd never seen anything quite like it. I'd watched  The OC and  Gilmore Girls just like everyone else, and while they were shows aimed at teens, they were rich, American teens who never had a hair out of place and were usually portrayed by actors in their twenties with piercing bone structure.  Skins wasn't like that. The characters had acne, wore the same shit H&M clothes as you, and said stuff like "safe, yeah?" It was exaggerated and far-fetched for sure, but beneath all its surrealism lay genuine storylines that most British teenagers could relate to—losing your virginity, eating disorders, divorce, struggling with coursework—in a way that didn't feel overtly moralizing. In other words, it was like our lives, only interesting enough to be on telly.

Read more on Noisey

I spoke with Paul Scheer just after attending the Women's March in Park City, Utah. The streets were packed with protesters making it difficult to walk the few blocks up Main Street. When I arrived at our meeting place, bedraggled and snow-coated, Scheer politely commiserated with me: "It's crazy out there. I love that the protest is happening, but I also worry that people are looking at us like, 'Fuck these people.'"

Scheer's expression of the discomfort that can accompany activism from the extremely privileged is reflected in the thematic core of Playdates, which premiered this week in Sundance's Independent Pilot Showcase, a platform for new shows currently without a home at a network. It stars Scheer (The League, Fresh Off the Boat) and Carla Gallo (Bones, Burning Love) as married couple Bennett and Julie, who relocate from the Midwest after the former is fired. They move their two children to the white, wealthy, and elitist culture of Southern California's Silicon Beach, where they're forced to attend playdates as part of a vetting process for the school they want their children to attend. Taking the kids to these playdates largely falls to Bennett as Julie assumes the new role of breadwinner for the family.

There are reasons to be skeptical of this premise. For starters, parenthood is typically poorly depicted in film and TV, with fear-mongering montages of exhausted, lust-free couples being peed on by their terrible offspring. I initially recoiled at the synopsis, which warned me that Bennett's new role as a stay-at-home dad would test his masculinity and self-worth as he navigates the zany world of rich, beautiful white people.

But my fears were quickly dispelled by the excellent pilot—and by Scheer's performance. Through heavy collaboration with the show's creators, he brings his own experience as a husband and parent to Playdates, shaping it into a show that's as funny as it is politically relevant.

Paul Scheer. Courtesy of Paul Scheer

VICE: Playdates takes aim at Silicon Beach. How would you describe that specific community?
Paul Scheer: It's similar to Silicon Valley in that they're rich nerds who are into technology. It's also a community that's open and liberal in many ways. As someone who is considered a "coastal elite," there's something to be mined from mocking that culture, because there's so much absurdity that comes with excessive wealth. That can be a fun world to explore, and the show can highlight the absurdity of what's presented as normal in this world.

In the recent election, we saw a lot of attention being paid to political activists who are also arguably disconnected from the lived experience of people they often advocate for. What does the show hope to gain from examining this type of community?
Lately, you see all these celebrities who are like, "I'm going to tell you who to vote for and how to feel," and I hate that. I like that people have passion, and I'm one of those people, but I hate being preached at by anyone. It feels weird. My wife [actress June Diane Raphael] and I are working together on a campaign called the Big Hundred, and the idea is just this: Let's take the politics out of the discussion for a minute, and let's just look at the country and try to do concrete actions that promote good by choosing one positive action a day. This is the kind of "activism" that I like because I feel like it's more effective.

"I've seen a lot of single-cam shows that come from a rich, white point of view but fail to comment on it. That's something  Playdates wants to undercut."

Certainly, questions around the usefulness of celebrity activism have come up quite a bit since the Meryl Streep Golden Globes speech.
Yes! And I loved what Meryl Streep said, and I thought it was beautiful—until she said the thing about people who watch football and MMA, because that's a dividing a line that doesn't need to be drawn. There are too many voices saying, "You're on this side, and I'm on that side, and there are no gray areas," and I hate that. Playdates both humanizes and pokes fun at the "West Coast elite" life. I've seen a lot of single-cam shows that come from a rich white point of view but fail to comment on it, as if to say, "This is just the norm, right? We can all identify with this." That's something Playdates wants to undercut.

Do you think there's a danger in comically representing these kinds of communities—that they could be caricatured into a sort of unreality that allows us to laugh at them while also letting them off the hook?
Yes, but a sign of good comedy in general is when people aren't presented as parodies. There's a scene in the pilot where a character carelessly adopts a kid from Africa and acts like, "Hey, cool, I've got this Sonos, and I got this kid from Africa." Which is ridiculous, but we also want to ground these people and show many sides of them. It's a fine line to walk. I don't want to be laughing, like, "Oh these people on the left are idiots," but I also don't think people are poking fun at the left as much as they can be. We're not just taking shots in one direction.

"Playdates can have smaller and more subtle jokes because we know the viewing experience is more intimate and personal for the audience."

You've previously mentioned the increased intimacy of TV, now that so many of us are watching alone on our laptops or phones. Does this change the way that you think TV needs to be written? Does TV have different goals now?
I think people are becoming their own network. You're picking your programing, when you want to watch it, and how you want to watch it. You can binge-watch a show that's been off the air for seven years, or you can watch a new show week to week. You have the power. The problem for writers now is: How do we get above the surface? There are so many shows. Every year [FX president] John Landgraf comes out and says, "950 shows this year," and we're all like, "Oh, shit." How do you get people to watch?

I watched all of [Amazon's] Fleabag on my phone and iPad, and I fucking loved it. I was crying alone at times, and watching it that way made me feel like I had a blanket over my head—that I was in my own little world. I feel more connected to the show because I watched in such an intimate way. The big benefit for writers now is that you have the power to tell more quiet, personal stories. Playdates can have smaller and more subtle jokes because we know the viewing experience is more intimate and personal for the audience.

You're a father. What perspective on parenting did you want to bring to the show, and what kind of stereotypes were you wanting to avoid?
I have two kids, and I worked on this script with [co-creators and writers Dan Marshall and Giles Andrew], and I brought the desire to see a show on TV that feels current and is a single-camera show about a husband and wife who love each other and are best friends. I think of Julie and Bennett like Abby and Ilana on Broad City. They're best friends, and that's how I feel about my wife. I love my wife. I'd go anywhere with her. She's awesome. That's what I want to capture. The original script depicted the marriage as a bit more disgruntled, but I was, like, "I've seen that."

One thing I want to do for an episode: My wife and I were driving back from the funeral, alone in the car with no kids, and we looked at each other and said, "This is nice." It was terrible because we'd been at funeral, but it was great because we'd managed to get some alone time. The guys who wrote the show aren't married and don't have kids, so I bring that perspective to it. There's a scene in the pilot where Bennett and Julie are about to have sex, but something happens and they don't. Bennett isn't like, "Ah, man, my wife won't fuck me," because that happens sometimes. Sex gets interrupted. It's life, and I'm really interested in showing the realer moments.

Follow Chloé Cooper Jones on Twitter.

Yesterday, Donald Trump issued an executive order for his big silly wall to be built along the border with Mexico. Yep. I asked my Tinder matches about this, and about the greatest lengths they've gone to to avoid someone.

MATCH ONE

MATCH TWO

MATCH THREE

MATCH FOUR

@nelliefaitheden

Since Donald Trump began threatening to deport millions of immigrants in America, those who live here without papers have lived in a state of uncertainty and fear. He's softened his stance on deportation since his initial hardline statements, but many immigrants—including the undocumented youth who qualified for legal work permits and deportation relief under President Obama's Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program—are still holding their breath. Will they have to leave the schools and jobs made available to them through the program? Even worse, will they have to leave the country?

Now that Trump has taken office, their futures are no less uncertain. Either way, the so-called DREAMers in the program, better known as DACA, are preparing for the worst. That's partly thanks to the release of a Department of Homeland Security memo showing the Trump transition team had asked the federal agency about its handling of the database. The database, which contains information including names, addresses, and in some cases fingerprints of 750,000 DREAMers, is now fully in Trump's tiny hands.

It's not entirely clear what a Trump administration would do with that database, if anything. On Monday, the White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, said in his first official press conference that Trump's immigration priorities were "building the wall and making sure that we address people who are in this country illegally." When someone asked if Trump had ruled out the plan to shut down the DACA program entirely, which he'd previously made a centerpiece of his immigration plan, Spicer rebuffed the question, saying he didn't "have anything further on the executive action front."

At the same time, House Speaker Paul Ryan said last week that mass deportations for DACA recipients and other immigrants were absolutely "not happening," and Chief-of-Staff Reince Priebus even suggested on Sunday that the president would work with a bi-partisan group of lawmakers who have introduced a bill called the BRIDGE Act that would extend DACA protections for a few more years.

So which is it? An executive order that immediately rescinds DACA, which has been in place since 2012 and effectively created 750,000 legal citizens? Or some temporary extension of the program that would require Trump's approval? Either way, DREAMers are preparing to potentially have to slink back into the shadows—ironically creating more immigrants working under the table, the very thing Trump has complained about for months. 

"DACA gave people the opportunity to come forward, and there is a benefit to the country and to the federal government by having these people come forward because it gives you records about the population that is here," said Greg Chen of the American Immigration Lawyers Association. "If the program is extinguished or people are afraid of coming forward for fear of deportation, we'll simply return to the status quo of people being undocumented."

Senator Lindsey Graham, one of the sponsors of the bill extending DACA protections that was introduced in December, echoed that sentiment the same month. 

"I do not believe we should pull the rug out and push these young men and women—who came out of the shadows and registered with the federal government—back into the darkness," Graham said in a statement, according to Politico.

Related: Deporting Young Immigrants Only Hurts America

In his briefing Monday, Spicer announced that no matter how Trump goes after DACA recipients and other undocumented immigrants in the country, his "priority" will be on those with criminal records.

But Leon Fresco, a former assistant attorney general in the Justice Department's Office of Immigration Litigation, pointed out that some of those people could be young people with minor criminal records—like getting caught with weed. Those DREAMers might be included in another database of undocumented immigrants who qualify for deportation proceedings, but who aren't deemed an immediate threat and therefore aren't targeted, according to Virginia Raymond, an immigration attorney based in Austin.

These are called "unexecuted orders of removal," and Trump could choose at any moment to begin executing all of them. That means Trump wouldn't have to sign an executive order or wait to veto the bi-partisan bill extending DACA protections before deportation proceedings can begin. 

If that does happen, Trump could use the database of DACA recipients for exactly what immigration advocates fear: targeting the young people who outed themselves as undocumented in exchange for protection from the government under Obama. "The final stake in the heart is that he could then deploy his Immigrations Customs and Enforcement officials to go to their homes and initiate deportation proceedings," said Chen. 

Even if DACA recipients aren't deported—which seems likely, since immigration courts are already backed up until 2019 with deportation cases, according to Raymond—the possibility of losing legal work status is devastating. Judith Jimenez, a 35-year-old DACA recipient in Arizona, told USA Today Obama's policies had enabled her to find a job and get a mortgage on a house. Now, she's worried she could lose everything.

"It would definitely put a stop to our dreams, for now," Jimenez told USA Today, referring to the possibility of dismantling DACA. "But I guess we would do what all immigrants have done throughout history, which is try to survive."

Follow Justin Glawe on Twitter.

Artikel ini pertama kali tayang di Motherboard.

Astronot manusia memang belum mendarat di Pluto, benda langit (dulu kita kira planet) berukuran mungil terjauh dari matahari. Kini setidaknya kita punya gambaran keadaan di sana.

Juli 2015, pesawat luar angkasa NASA New Horizons melewati Pluto selama beberapa jam setelah menempuh perjalanan 10 tahun. Wahana antariksa tersebut terbang terlalu cepat untuk mengorbit di sekitar Pluto atau melakukan pendaratan, tapi masih bisa merekam beberapa foto berkualitas.

Melaluin adaptasi dari video hitam-putih Pluto yang dirilis tahun lalu, NASA kini menampilkan 100 foto berwarna dalam video baru yang menggambarkan secara kasar keadaan planet tersebut jika para astronot ingin mendarat—tentunya tanpa menunjukkan seperti apa kemungkinan mendaratnya.

Pesawat luar angkasa The New Horizons terbang 12.553 kilometer dekat Pluto, jadi meski kualitas fotonya bagus, tidak cukup dekat. Meski begitu, ketika kamera di-zoom, terlihat beberapa detail permukaan dari jarak 402 kilometer, 160 kilometer, 24 kilometer, dan seterusnya.

Tidak jelas kapan astronot Planet Bumi bisa berada sedekat itu dengan Pluto. Dibutuhkan kira-kira sepuluh tahun untuk mencapai Pluto, dan NASA tidak memiliki misi ke Pluto dalam waktu dekat. Sementara waktu, setidaknya, kita punya video rekaman ini.

Artykuł pierwotnie ukazał się na VICE Italy

W latach 80., 90. i wczesnych 2000. każdego roku wraz z nadejściem sezonu wakacyjnego kurort w Rimini przemieniał się w najbardziej dekadenckie i najbardziej włoskie miejsce pod słońcem. O kryzysie bankowym nikomu się jeszcze nawet nie śniło, a strefa euro pozostawała odległym planem. Silvio Berlusconi, otoczony przez kohorty skąpo ubranych modelek, rządził niepodzielnie swoim telewizyjnym imperium. Legendarny klub nocny Cocoricò tętnił życiem, a na pogrzebie Federico Felliniego płakał cały naród.

W 1983 roku w mieście powstała pierwsza w całych Włoszech restauracja typu fast food Italy&Italy. Wkrótce rozrosła się w całą sieć i została swego rodzaju symbolem kulturowych zmian, jakie kraj przechodził w stosunkowo krótkim czasie. Sukces Italy&Italy nie przeszedł niezauważony ‒ kilka lat później sieciówkę wykupił McDonald's i wszystkie jej filie przemienił w fabryki bigmaków.

Pasquale Bove, fotoreporter z Rimini, spędził ponad 30 lat, dokumentując szaleństwa swojego rodzinnego kurortu. Fotograf Luca Santese spośród ponad 200 tys. Zdjęć wybrał ok. 300 i skomponował z nich wydany w 2016 roku album pt. Italy&Italy. To niepowtarzalna kolekcja euforycznych obrazów, pełna fotografii imprez gwiazdek telewizji i polityków, miejskich jarmarków, a przede wszystkim (pół)nagich wczasowiczów, którzy pełnymi garściami czerpali z włoskiego lata.

Więcej zdjęć Pasquale Bove znajdziesz poniżej:

Dawna gwiazda telewizji Paolo Brosio

150. rocznica otwarcia pierwszej plaży w Rimini

Kobieta pozuje na tle radiowozu

Obiad w Italy&Italy, pierwszej restauracji typu fast food we Włoszech

Rezultaty policyjnego nalotu

Wybory „Miss Pośladków" w nocnym klubie

Kibice piłki nożnej

Aktorka Maria Grazia Cucinotta rozkoszuje się swoim gelato

Pogrzeb Federico Felliniego w 1993 roku

Bywalec klubów

Jarmark w Rimini

Tłumaczenie: Jan Bogdaniuk

This article originally appeared on Motherboard. 

Astronauts haven't yet made it over to Pluto, the dwarf planet farthest from the sun, but now we at least have an idea of what it would look like.

In July 2015, NASA's New Horizons spacecraft passed by Pluto for a few hours after its 10-year journey. The spacecraft was going too fast to orbit around Pluto or to land on it, but it was still able to capture some quality photos of the dwarf planet.

In an adaptation of a black-and-white video of Pluto published last year, NASA has now put together 100 color photos into a new video to roughly illustrate what it might look like if astronauts were to land on the mysterious tiny planet—of course, without actually showing what the landing might look like.

The New Horizons spacecraft flew within 7,800 miles of Pluto, so while the picture quality is good, it's not very close up. However, the camera does zoom in, showing more detail from 250 miles away, 100 miles away, 15 miles away, and so on.

It's not clear however, when astronauts will ever be able to get that close up to Pluto to begin with. It would take at least ten years to get to Pluto, and NASA has no plans for any Pluto missions in the foreseeable future. Until then, at least we have this video footage.

When I think about my place in the world, for as long as I can remember, there were always people that didn't want me, or my black family "in town." I was born in my Mother's country and raised in my Father's. And for this, I've been fortunate. For my whole life though, I still knew that in those places—my places—my existence was, if not inconvenient, at least deeply troubling to the non-Aboriginal people around me. As a young black girl growing up in small rural Queensland towns in my father's country, innocent as I was, I knew then that we weren't liked.

I see now that my siblings and I, Aboriginal children living on our land and growing up with our culture, weren't just local kids. To the murderous, violent, racist pastoralists (shout out to Clermont, Nebo, Mackay, and surrounding areas), we were a reminder that our people still existed. That we weren't being forced to go anywhere again.

Reflecting on my upbringing, I see now that through all the heartache in the face of blatant colonial violence and racism, my Aboriginal parents made the decision that their children were going to grow up with genuine connection to country, knowing who we are and where we come from. This is the greatest decision and act of resistance that they could have made—packing up, moving home, and living in a violent and cruel place where our neighbors were the grandchildren of the people who murdered my great-grandparents.

But we went back because it was our duty to look after the country, to know the country. It made me stronger too, if not mildly satisfied to see that we reminded these people that they were on our land—that they had not won.

That is resistance. It has been my existence.

Today, First Nations-led rallies against so-called "Australia Day" are happening all around the country. They are proof that our resistance to the violence we face is resolute. For 229 years, since first contact and the beginning of the invasion, theft, and exploitation of Aboriginal lands, January 26 reminds First Nations Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples of a legacy built through defiance.

When Cook arrived, and Arthur Phillip followed, and "the Crown" asserted its rule, "terra nullius," the latin expression meaning "nobody's land," was proclaimed as law. Not because the British powers actually believed there was nothing here. No, it was the very reason that the voyage was made—to acquire more land and natural resources. Our land was money, wealth, and prosperity for an imperial power. Of course, the price was genocide.

The doctrine of "terra nullius" was as far distorted from the truth as one can get. But the decision of "terra nullius" was already made. This decision was preformed: carried in the beliefs and powers, the weaponry and the minds, of those who legitimized the subsequent dehumanization of Aboriginal First Nations people. It was there from the start in the denial of our existence, the lie of an empty land, and the criminal disregard of the colonizers own laws. The dehumanization weaponized to justify the taking of land through genocide and rape.

But 229 years on and First Nations peoples still exist. Resistance!

The author, Murrawah Johnson. Image supplied

Coming into 2017, our Indigenous lives continue to be highly politicized. We know racist conservatives and nationalists will be revered in society, televised, and published nation-wide—it's just the continuation of the very foundational institutional and cultural racism that opened the "Australia" project. All of this that was predicated on the proclamation of "terra nullius"—the root of the dehumanization of First Nations peoples.

We also know that, right now, Aboriginal land rights struggles have the potential to shape the future of mining and other exploitative land uses, on which Australia has built much of its ill-gotten wealth. We know a rising generation of young people will carry on the struggle of our old people for land rights, justice, and human dignity with renewed vigor. We have been schooled in the resistance.

Over the past 229 years, what it means to be Black Australia has been shaped by brave decisions to not comply with the invading colonial-settler forces (of evil)—it is a legacy of resistance. Since the empire landed, through resistance to the violent colonial systems of land theft, murder, bonded labor, "protection," and "integration" we have been able to break through and make progress towards rebuilding, if not maintaining, our freedom and rule of law.

It has always been the troublemakers who have taken up the fight. Every win our freedom fighters made became the statements of defense of country, or markers of advancement back to our freedom, to reclaiming our people and families, cultures and stories, places and land.

The strikes, the walk-offs, and the resistance to the destruction of our ways of life and our very survival have guided us. They are Palm Island, Gurrindji, Muckaty, Mabo, and Wik amongst many other acts asserting our rights, large and small. We record these moments as "our" Black History. This is an account of the resistance to colonial powers. This is the legacy of Black (so-called) Australia.

As one of the Wangan and Jagalingou people fighting the world's largest new proposed coal mine—the Adani Carmichael mine—now more than at any other time in my young life, I see that First Nations resistance and recognition of our leadership, is something not just demanding space but shaping the future of my black world. Resistance has always been something I've reflected on, and now as I fight one of the largest contemporary land and human rights battles in the country, I know it's the way forward.

The invading colonial project began with a land struggle. As Aboriginal peoples resisted on frontier battle lines all over so-called Australia, these struggles of our old people have become the legacies have defined generations of our people. While First Nations peoples remain, and until there is restitution and land justice, the land struggle is not over. It is my inherent birthright to what we have fought to defend and what has always been ours that shapes my future. The land struggle does not just continue but is mounting.

Recent challenges to massive mining, extractive, and dumping projects have been halted, if not stopped by frontline Aboriginal resistance. All of this action, despite coming from the people least resourced to lead it, is the resurgence in resistance that has historically shaped our black identities. "You don't know where you're going if you don't know where you come from," is something my father has always said. So, as I think about the leaders that guided our wins, I think I might have an idea of where we're going. Our resistance is our leadership.

Where white leadership is based on those who resist the least, who conform to the powerful elites; my experience of true black leadership has been where those who resist the most don't just take power but share it, and they make us stronger as we follow in the resistance, demanding change.

The important thing emerging now is this—the resistance in 2017, as I see it, is so often led by women. Unfortunately the history books don't celebrate our Aboriginal women alongside our warrior brothers and fathers.

Whether that resistance has been the continuation of the first resistance in land and sea struggles, or refusing to work for diminished wages, or the grandmothers against removals of our children into state custody, these fights have so often been led by our communities, and have directed and shaped us.

***

So I stand as a young black woman, I know my purpose. My people's fight is in the spirit and in the continuation of the original resistance and land struggle, all the way through to today as I stand on the frontline of one of this country's and the world's catalytic battles for the future.

Today, Australians have prepared for your local Invasion Day or Survival Day rally or event. The forecast for 'Australia Day' is extreme whitewashing with a high chance of scattered black protests, and perhaps a heavy downpour of black civil disobedience—depending on which major city on the east coast you're living in. Black people will be confronting the reality of these celebrations intended to disguise the genocide that began with the the raising of the British flag and proclamation of "sovereignty" on January 26, 1788.

For many Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples, January 26 is a "frontier" in and of itself. This is a power struggle. We are always fighting against the erasure of our history. I fight for my country; I'll fight for my people. We will stand strong on all fronts in 2017.

One more thing. Resistance in 2017 is guaranteed to be led by black women—more provocative than you've become accustomed to. Don't be scared, activism is sexy. Blacktivism is transcendent.

Murrawah comes from Wangan and Jagalingou (W&J) country in Central Queensland. She is a campaigner and spokesperson for the W&J people's Family Council. She is a part of the Wirdi-speaking people who have kinship ties to the broader Birragubba peoples. Murrawah also identifies with her ties to the Kangalou, Wiri, Yiman, Kullali, Munanjali, Goreng Goreng, and Bigambul peoples.

La pregunta por la cantidad (o la falta) de carne en una hamburguesa es totalmente legítima en la medida en que la relación entre la industria de los restaurantes y nosotros sus clientes es una de adversarios: uno anda detrás de la codiciada proteína y ellos siempre están buscando ocultarla o reemplazarla con salsas, harinas e, incluso, aire. Para saber con algún grado de certeza cuál es la cadena de hamburguesas que le está dando más gramos por sus pesos bien trabajados hicimos pasar por la balanza a cinco hamburguesas de precios parecidos—entre 10  y 15 mil pesos—y que según sus creadores pesan más o menos un cuarto de libra.

Antes de tirar un ladrillo por la ventana del local más cercano o de demandar a la cadena por el robo continuado de 15 o 20 gramos de carne en cada  hamburguesa a lo largo de años y años, sepa que es de esperarse que todas estas hamburguesas pesan menos de lo que dice el menú. Por ejemplo: cuando Mcdonalds dice que una hamburguesa pesa un cuarto de libra se refiere a que la porción de carne pesaba 113,398 gramos cuando estaba cruda. Una vez en la parrilla, el agua y parte de la grasa en la carne se evaporan y,  a diferencia de usted, la hamburguesa pierde peso.

¿Cuánto?

Nicolás de Zubiría, fundador del restaurante de perros calientes y hamburguesas Sir Frank, uno de los jurados de Master Chef Colombia, calcula que cada hamburguesa pierde el 10% de su peso cuando pasa por la parrilla. Además, dice De Zubiría, la cantidad de peso que pierde una hamburguesa al pasar por la parrilla nos dice algo acerca de sus ingredientes: "Si pierde más peso es porque contiene grasas de alta calidad, que se evaporan más rápidamente". O sea que en términos de hamburguesas menos no nunca será más, pero de pronto sí mejor.

McDonalds

Precio: 9.900

Peso (completa): 155 gramos

Peso (solo carne): 95 gramos

El cuarto de libra con queso de McDonalds es la única de estas hamburguesas que habríamos podido pedir en Marruecos o en Siria y eso ya es suficiente para encabezar esta convocatoria. A parte del queso, un chorrito de salsa de tomate, otro de mostaza, tres pepinillos y alguito de verdura hacen del cuarto de libra la hamburguesa que más carne le da por sus centavos, pero completa, la que menos movió la balanza. 

Home Burger

Precio: 12.700

Peso (completa): 225grs

Peso (solo carne): 95 grs

¿Qué tienen estas hamburguesas? ¿Por qué tanta fila? Según Camilo Peláez, su creador, una home burger es 115 gramos de una mezcla entre punta anca, morrillo y bola, todas juntas y molidas. La Home Burger sencilla con queso vale casi tres mil pesos más  que su competidora de McDonalds y tiene la misma cantidad de carne, pero ya completa con su pan, salsa, verduras y queso es bastante más sustancial que el Cuarto de Libra.

Presto

Precio: 11.000

Peso (completa)  230 grs        

Peso (solo carne) 80 grs.                     

El branding y marketing y otros conceptos terminados en ing hace que la hamburguesa que en Mcdonalds se llama "cuarto de libra" y en Home Burger "sencilla", se llame "Super" en Presto. Según el personal de "la primera cadena de comida rápida de Colombia", esta es una hamburguesa de 110 gramos con sus  verduras y una tajada de queso, pero para tener un nombre que según la RAE significa "superior, muy bueno" esta hamburguesa resultó estar bajita de carne, al menos completa pesa más o menos lo mismo que las demás.

Sierra Nevada

Precio: 10.900

Peso (completa) 260 grs

Peso (solo carne) 100 grs

El menú de Sierra Nevada afirma que su hamburguesa básica pesa 150 gramos, considerablemente más generosa que las de la competencia. En nuestra balanza marcó 100 gramos, 30 % menos de lo que supuestamente pesaba cruda, aun así sigue siendo una buena relación precio/cantidad.

El Corral

Precio: 14.900

Peso (completa) 275 grs.

Peso (solo carne) 105 grs.

En un poco más de tres décadas, El Corral ha pasado de ser un chuzo de comidas rápidas en el centro de Bogotá para convertirse en una cadena con 200 puntos en Colombia y otros en Chile, Estados Unidos y un par de países más. Según su página web, una Corral es un cuarto de libra de carne con  cebolla, lechuga y tomate. Con el queso, que es adicional, es la más cara, la más pesada y la que tiene más carne de todas la que comparamos.     

Los taxistas siempre han sido los más aventados; corroboré esto hace poco que mi celular se quedó sin batería y tuve que tomar un taxi de la calle. Son los más aventados y los más habladores, rectifiqué, no sólo para ejercer el oficio de ruletero, que conlleva saberse las calles y sus rutas, sino también para sabérselas de todas-todas con el orificio ajeno. O con el hoyuelo propio. O en plural: con todos los agujeros del cuerpo.

Si calculamos en horas-nalga el pago por un servicio, los únicos que saben más que los escritores sobre la injusticia de trabajar sentados son los taxistas. (Quizá exagero, habrá otros empleos que corren con la misma desazón, pero en definitiva no son los burócratas, ni los diputados, ni los senadores, ni el largo etcétera gubernamental.) Esta ocasión, en resumen, me había tocado un chofer de los que aún se atreven a tirar la onda (quizá no siempre, quizá no a cualquiera) a quien suban como pasaje.

Ocupé el asiento del copiloto; me preguntó a dónde me dirigía. Era de noche, así que hablé arrastrando las palabras por una embriaguez incipiente pero que hacía evidente que me urgía seguir tomando o ya irme a la cama. Había olvidado que el conductor de taxi tradicional (en Monterrey lo llamamos ecotaxi) siente unas ganas, todavía más efervescentes, de conversar que de ligarte. O quizá estos asuntos vayan juntos, inseparables, por rutina o por sólo cascar la nuez con los dientes.

Mientras platicábamos, en un último momento, el taxista sugirió un cambio de ruta. Apenas pude responder cuando ya la había tomado. Pero esto me dio la oportunidad de mirarlo detenidamente: era un tipo bastante flacucho, de mi edad o quizá de un par de años menos, con el tic de agarrarse el paquete cada vez que avanzábamos dos calles y estirarse la entrepierna del pantalón, que no dejaba nunca de insertar palabras clave después de una de mis respuestas, como si fuera adicto a ejercer de psicoanalista del volante, servicio incluido que casi nadie puede negarme que no se cumpla. 

Esas palabras clave son muy conocidas por cualquier usuario. También son la raíz de un coqueteo que puede subir hasta convertirse en un albur o descender al inframundo del mal de amores. Entonces: hay que reconocer que son claves para aventurarse en oscuros territorios. Yo traía, pese a que salí de una cantina, unos libros, sin bolsa ni mochila, directamente en las manos. Nunca suelo decir que escribo, que soy escritor, ni que doy clases. Pero esta vez lo dije, arrepintiéndome de inmediato, cuando el chofer me soltó: "Uy, no, yo sí sé contar historias, tengo muchas, ¿quieres oír una?" Me sentí como Caperucita a los pies de la cama, con el disfraz de su abuelita entre las manos, y nomás mirando al lobo ya encuerado.

Los taxistas son los únicos seres humanos que la ciencia (ni la teoría queer) podrá negar que son poseedores de una bisexualidad de a de veras. ¿Por qué? Porque agarran lo que caiga, lo que sea, a quien sea. Es un decir, por supuesto. Con "seres humanos" me refiero a que no son remilgosos cuando se trata de escoger la verdura o la carne que han de comerse o, al menos, engatusar como buenos cazadores. Y hasta podrían repetir el evento. No incluyo a las mujeres taxistas, debido a que este ramo del transporte sigue cooptado por los hombres. Y, sobre todo, porque tengo poca experiencia como pasajero de taxis con conductoras. En cambio, relatos cachondos de sexo ocasional con taxistas hay por doquier: el taxista es todo un subgénero del porno.

"Mira", me dijo el chofer mientras reducía la velocidad hasta el semáforo en rojo, "si me hace la parada uno como esos no lo subo". Y lo miré: era un limpiaparabrisas que se acercaba lentamente hacia el coche, pensando de inmediato lo peor, que estaban coludidos, que por eso habíamos cambiado la ruta, y caí preso de una paranoia instantánea, al grado de subirle a mi ventanilla el centímetro que le faltaba para cerrar. El limpiaparabrisas vestía como los fotogénicos cholombianos (o colombianos, no porque sean migrantes sino porque gustan de la cumbia villera y tienen un singular modo de vestir y peinarse) y que conforman una de las tribus suburbanas más grande de la zona regiomontana. 

"¿Y por qué?", le pregunté apenas volvimos a ponernos en marcha. El chofer me miró, ahora era él quien me miraba detenidamente, y me contó su historia no sin antes agregar un "yo sé de dónde saliste". ¿Y eso qué?, pensé poniendo cara de no me cambies ahora también la historia. "De un lugar de ambiente", dijo. Miren ustedes, y yo creyendo que ya sólo se les decía así a las cantinas homosexuales cuando se canta el "Noa Noa" de Juanga. Qué rápido había olvidado lo que era usar ecotaxis, pensé, como si no bloquearan mi calle con frecuencia filones de carrozas verdes, frente a una casa del gremio.

Lo cierto es que mis anécdotas con taxistas cachondos pertenecen a una época anterior a que entrara el servicio de Uber y similares, y mucho antes de que yo comenzara a frecuentar cierto tipo de lugares, sin acompañante ni disimulando que esperaba a alguien, sin dejar de sentirme, absurdamente, sospechoso. Incluso rodeado de otros. Todos ellos también sospechosos. Es posible. Pero, ¿sospecho de qué exactamente? ¿De meterme en bares o cantinas, en saunas o sitios de encuentro de sexo casual? Quizá, pero no era para tanto. Tardé en comprenderlo. Era sospechoso, solamente de una cosa: de ir solo. De no ir a ligar en manada, como veía que lo hacían en aquel entonces los de mi edad e, inclusive, los más viejos. En algunas ocasiones, no en todas, ocurría algo en mí, llámenlo disgusto o capricho, y me devolvía a mi casa. Huía pensando exclusivamente en mi cama, en pornografía y masturbarme.

Fotos de un conductor de Uber sacó fotos de sus pasajeros borrachos. Da click en la imagen para ver la galería completa.

Era la época en que todavía no aprendía que "ligar", pese a la calentura que uno trajera consigo, es una acción que se debe conjugar a sangre fría. Era la época en que apenas comprendía que alguien (siendo abandonado en mitad de la pista de baile, plantado en los sanitarios o, caricaturescamente, pateado en la vía pública), se convierte enseguida en el ex de alguien más, y que todo él ya es materia de desperdicio amoroso. Pero que para mí podía ser la media naranja de una sola noche, la materia de cariño fingido pero sabrosón, el dulce amargo obtenido por un niño al salir del consultorio del dentista. No sé si era mi premio mayor, o mi regalo de consolación. Pero, sea como sea, volví a sentirme en la época en que no me atrevía a ligar en donde estaba el ambiente, sino en las zonas más complicadas (por no decir que absurdas) para darse cuenta de que lo que uno tenía enfrente era gallo o gallina.

Y también era la época de los taxis calientes, es decir, piratas, falsos, sin permiso oficial, pero que pese a todo ofrecían el servicio. Y de todas clases, luego me daría cuenta. Como éste sobre el que les estaba hablando y les iba a contar su historia.

"Lo que pasó fue que subí a dos cholillos, uno ahí donde vas tú, y otro en el asiento de atrás, pero luego vi que el de atrás se fue detrás de mí, no sentado detrás de su amigo, y ahí los quebré, me di cuenta que era un asalto", me contó, palabras más o menos así. Y entonces me agarró la pierna. No un agarrón que me asustara pero tampoco me lo esperaba. Estaba contándome sobre un asalto, y no era precisamente una fantasía erótica. Ni yo había entrado en un estado de somnolencia por el alcohol en mi sangre. Su agarrón de pierna fue singular porque me dijo enseguida: "y adivina lo que querían". Cuéntame mejor, dije. 

Los tipos, supuestamente cholombianos como aquel limpiaparabrisas, obligaron a que el taxista se metiera en un callejón. Lo amagaron. Le quitaron la poca lana que traía consigo, ya que antes había ido con su esposa, un personaje clave para cualquier tensión homoerótica, a la que le había dejado el dinero acumulado durante la jornada. Entonces, según el chofer, los tipos no contentos con el motín ni con el celular de cajita de cereal que le bajaron, decidieron que éste les diera sexo oral. "Imagínate, cabrón, querían que les diera un guagüis al mismo tiempo". Yo me reí, no podía hacer otra cosa, puesto que tenía gracia. Todas las historias terminan igual, sean de amor o de guerra, es decir: mamando a la verga.

"Pero yo no estoy tan bocón", arremetió. Pues no, era cierto. "A simple vista no", le dije. "Épale", me frenó, en seco, porque claramente hay que seguir la regla de saber escuchar. La situación con los tipos desembocó en que eran dos "mariconcillos", dijo así, y a lo que pensé pues muy mariconcillos pero activos, con el pito parado como quien hace de violador en las películas porno. El chofer dice haberse negado, al volante, pero que tuvo miedo. Lo tenían cercado: uno por la espalda y otro del lado derecho, sujetándolo, a la fuerza, manoseándolo, como si fuera un trapo "de las segundas baratas de Zara". Añadió esto confesándose conocedor de un mundo que particularmente me parece ajeno al de la ruleteada.

Los tipos decidieron pasar al taxista al asiento trasero, así podría chuparles las vergas al mismo tiempo. Entonces, según él, era la mejor opción para quebrárselos, ya que tampoco quería que le quitaran el coche, "aunque el seguro cubre ese tipo de robos, pero no, los papeleos, la filota de gente, no te lo devuelven al otro día, nunca acaba uno". De repente entendí que su película porno estaba matizada de dramatismo mexicano, muy propio de una película de ficheras o taller como sería Mecánica Nacional. 

No importa cómo se identifiquen: si gay, maricón, queer, homosexual, machín, chacal, heteroflexible, bisexual y casado, etcétera. No importa: en el ligue, en la cacería, da igual. Esto, por supuesto, ocurre en la calle. Y no en las aplicaciones o en las páginas de ligue donde predomina la aversión y la censura mediante el supuesto aviso previo, por ejemplo: no afeminados, no gordos, no negros, etcétera.

Y, ahora, él volvía al ataque, pero contra mi pierna, dándome otro apretón, como para crear empatía. Y yo me reía, por supuesto. Al final: estaba ahí, vivo, conduciendo. Aquello no pudo haber tenido un final trágico: ni muerto él, ni muertos ellos (y tíldeseme de loco por creer en la ley y el orden), pues él estaría preso.

Una vez que lo tuvieron instalado en el asiento trasero, los dos tipos empezaron a masajearse los paquetes. Y, en nuestro presente, el chofer no dejaba de agarrarse el suyo, de estirar la mezclilla de su pantalón dos tallas más grande, mínimo. "¿Y qué pasó entonces?", pregunté. Y el chofer entonces hizo una mueca; me miró como si yo quisiera saber de más, como si aquello fuera un exceso de confianza.

"Pues a la verga", dijo, "yo qué voy a mamársela a unos cholombianos". Según él, sometió a los dos tipos, a uno lo amarró a la puerta de atrás, y al otro le dio con el bastón de seguridad. Pero no podía entregarlos a la policía, ya que los había golpeado, y entonces al que metían al bote iba a ser a él. "Pero había sido en defensa propia", dije, siguiéndole, haciendo caso al giro del héroe, del inviolable. Y volvió a agarrarme la pierna. 

¿Qué es una cáscara de plátano tirada en la calle si no es, legalmente incluso, basura? Eso es recoger hombres, pensé. Estoy bastante cansado de mis últimos ligues como para seguirle ahora la historieta al taxista. Los hombres cuando son cazados por otros hombres también son como cáscaras de plátano. "Puro cuento", le dije despidiéndome.